La Tortue Sur Un Fil

The diary of The french Turtle on a Thread

With some amazing people : kind, open-minded, with a desire to give the best to clients, respecting each individual... I love it! The work may be intense with long hours but I do it for 3-4 days per week.

I have plenty to learn about so for now I'll focus on that. Soon I'll be ready to think about how to level up my skills on coaching as I see more and more how it completes my knowledge and experience of bodywork.

I'll look int it very soon;

Ok. This is my “return to my blog” post.

It's been a couple of months since I've published anything. I have been going through a lot. Some highs some lows and I was trying my best to keep up the paces. I hoped for some stuff to come through (jobs and studies) and while there were some positive signs, things fell through a number of times...

I just couldn't share anything with anyone. I felt stuck and I just couldn't share the bluryness, the anger and sadness of the situation I lived in, namely having no job, no finances, a breaking up... and a need to have my own space... fast.

I definitely went through the “I'm no good” mode. I kept on applying for jobs, doing my best to write the best letter and having a cv but it happened that it actually wasn't because of me but more of an age thing! For some jobs I was too old (45 years... gasp) and for the studies it was ok but because of how the government is sustaining more of the youngsters right now, well... I was too old again.

I really needed to change the status quo. While at the moment of writing, nothing concrete has yet happened, something is shifting in me – albeit slowly but surely – thanks to some great people I've encountered. I'm more than willing to look at what I need to bloom and not thinking of it as a far fetched long dream... I have a desire to align myself with the values I stand for and making it a reality in my own life.

What I want to set up as soon as possible is a movement-rich environment (yes I'm going with the furniture-free trend... wait! That's actually not a trend... or if it is well OK! I'm trendy then!) using low tech when I can for developping my creativity, zero waste to learn more about my consumerism, urban permaculture to act on creating some food for myself and eating a more diverse tasty and yet simple cuisine... and definitely developping more autonomy for myself.

I need to do this for my Self. I want to do it. Let's.

When you're stuck, it's hard to feel independent and autonomous. You feel helpless and although it is really worthwhile to engage with others for the boost and the wisdom you will have from the interaction, you can help yourself by devising your own program and get a better grip of your current personal situation.

  1. First of all, make an inventory of your situation:

    • finance (our relationship to money, how we feel and our beliefs)
    • environment (where we live, a space of one's own or not, relation to objects)
    • relationship (in couple or not, interaction, trust, tensions)
    • professional activity (paid job or not, exciting...)
    • accomplishments (fulfilled dreams, regrets, experiences...)
    • emotions (boredom – emptiness – anguish – fears...)
    • would like to feel... (free – enthusiastic – fulfilled – accomplished...)
  2. Determine your why ?

    • to move towards more autonomy and independence.
    • give meaning to his life rather than that imposed by others
    • feel in my true place
    • feel a sense of connection with others while respecting one's own needs
    • bring out the best in you (authentic)
    • Dare to be yourself with others
  3. Determine how you want to get things done – your values?

    • My ways would be to do things in line with permaculture vision which are → Start small → keep it simple → respect needs and “terrain” (we're all different so are the solutons)
    • Also I want to abide with ethical/holistic/resilient principles**
    • Are there other skills, know-how, aptitudes, techniques, postures to be developed
  4. Something else that can be interesting to note or do are

    • What are the steps that reveals your repressed needs
    • What you want to manifest (Law of Attraction)
    • What would help you develop your imagination and creativity
    • Which areas-domains of interest needs to be attended to make things happen.

Mine are learning, relationship to money, relationship with my spouse & family, housing, professional...

This is only a beginning, a draft that it is good to develop and deepen to make a “Road-Map “.

Great picture of a map from Ian Dooley

This is something I'd like to develop for myself and share that with others as it can be a great help to remind ourselves of * our talents * interests * what is easy for us to make – do – ...

And it could be a great reference to get back on track when we lose ourselves when for any reasons when we feel * disconnected * unclear ideas * influenced in a way we don't want to...

This may help to create such a map:

  1. Developing our understanding of what has prevented us from feeling independent and autonomous
  2. Finding what sparkles my interests:
    • going back to childhood
    • looking at what is feeling easy to me (eg: techology and understand how git works ;)
  3. Looking at what puts me down
    • my energy level (and how I feel in my body – mind – emotion) is a great indicator
    • developing an awareness of what I am responsible to and finding a balance between it and what is going on in the world (not an easy one this one)
  4. Defining my personal ways of learning (and more generally of doing – thinking or relating to things)
    • to make things easier and more pleasurable to us and quicker
    • that may depend a lot on what sparks my interests (cf 2.) but other parameters might be taken into account
    • the environment I am in
    • the people I interact with
    • the tools I'm using
    • the values and ethics I stand for...
  5. Find what can sustain and care for my special needs to keep my energy level up
    • need for good adapted food and movement
    • fun activities
    • relaxation times (meditation)
    • ...

This is one of the project that has not been shared but matured this last years. Some have been implemented in my own life, others didn't and I feel that thanks to the people I have exchanged in the Qoto Community – Special mention to Rob G. – I can dare to express what I have been longing to put my heart into as well as going deep into the stuff that I care about: learning to develop ourselves as a great human being we ought to be.

If you have any comments, don't hesitate to follow me on Mastodon and chat with me.

  • build on your resource (you have a tool – map of resources)
  • establish boundaries and learn to know when it's you or it's somebody else projection – learning to be ok to be on your own (that might be a tough one for some – me included) and learn that you're not unloved or rejected.
  • learn to listen to your own needs instead of putting the other's ones before your own
  • use your natural unique movement (ways of doing things) to give you focus and a direction to go to
  • source your energy level – how enthusiastic you feel – how vibrating something makes you feel (that is part of developing intuition)
  • disencumber (sort things out) when needed – clear out your source
  • find the common thread of your diverse interests and talents

Those are some of the threads that will be developed in the coming months.

Are they speaking to you?

I had a very deep and meaningful conversation last friday with a therapist who has taken into her own hand her evolution process. She approached me while I was talking – to a friend who works in an organic shop – about what I did. We decided to meet and we did last week. Because it was the 1st time we met, I really wanted to know more about her values her path and her point of view that led her to practice the way she did. I really love the gentleness and strength she radiates through her poise. I hope to podcast her (it will be in french) as she has a lot to say on finding one's own truth and living in line with it.

When I told her about my path and how important it was for me to zero in on helping people develop their own autonomy and understand how co-dependency hinder their evolution and self-fulfillment she mentioned Jung's individuation process. I know I should know about it because this is the most essential of his work, but... I didn't.

So I went straight for wikipedia:

In Jungian psychology, also called analytical psychology, individuation is the process where the individual self develops out of an undifferentiated unconscious – seen as a developmental psychic process during which innate elements of personality, the components of the immature psyche, and the experiences of the person's life become, if the process is more or less successful, integrated over time into a well-functioning whole.

So if I understand this well:

  • 1st there is the “undifferentiated unconscious” – babies have and need that transitional period when they are fused (mum and me as one)
  • then other phases need to take place so that with experiences the process of development a well-functioning person may hopefully evolve and become whole and solid in oneself.

This is in effect a state we really hope to realize but for some of us this process of becoming truly whole and autonomous is a very big challenge.

And it isn't a case of “not feeling motivated enough” or “just needing a bit of a push” or “needing some tough love” because in some case, that is exactly what we had. It seems that the issue here is not knowing where the I and the Other begin and end.

In my personal life, I wasn't allowed to express myself outside of the frame settled by my parents. Even though there were plenty of space I could have called my own, I wasn't allowed to have a space just for me.

My bedroom – normally a safe place of retreat and exploration – was a passageway with 2 doors which always has to be open just “in case” (they had to go from an area to another, if something happend to me...). I didn't get to decorate it and if i did, things were put back into place. I had stuff thrown out because it was too old or not to my mum's liking and i knew she was looking into my stuff (journal diary for example). On top of that I was told what to say, how to think, what to wear (for that one I went to wear black in my teenage years), what to eat...

The me as self reference was so reduced that for many years I did not see myself outside of “their” reference points. Cutting all ties (which I did in my forty) has in this particular case been a life saviour for me. As nothing I did before (going abroad 1st in Ireland then in Australia) seemed to stop their violation of my privacy and their relentless demand of submissive behaviour of my being. Even though it did not resolve how I interact with others as co-dependency became my default setting, it definitely helped clarify the process of reclaiming my self.

Because this is ultimately what it is about. The process of becoming whole can happen only if and when individuation takes place.

I'd like to thank Uriell for this beautiful time we had and for the depth of her insights.

Lighthouse lightning stars

The end goal is to develop your own autonomy & resilience as well as tapping and/or reconnect to your own unique creativity – identity – personal make up.

One way would be to create a map of your personal re⋅source⋅s

Mapping your resources to find, develop or rediscover your own thread – way and your intuit-ion when you've disconnected from yourself. It helps develop and maintain clear and healthy boundaries in yourself as well as finding out how to interact with others and knowing what to do when you've lost track of your path.

The following questions might help in creating this map:

  1. How is your energy level? How do you feel in your own body? Do you feel cut or whole? Can you see the signs of what cuts you off from yourselves? → stress – fear – need for protection & safety – pain? Can you feel what makes you vibrate (that's like a gauge that tells you if you're in phase with yourself)? → connection with your source – your way⋅s of doing things – your dreams? Is your energy high – does it fizzle – do you feel aligned with yourself? How to know if you're “connected” to your res-source(s) and if you're in congruence with yourself? Is your energy depleted or not and is your enthusiasm there or not? You may see this as an internal guide and search for the moment where things resonates or matches in yourself. Sometimes your energy can be low and it may have nothing to do with what you do. It can be linked to the people you're with, the set up of the environment you're in or how things are done. That might stress you out because your values might be affected. If you keep coming back to the subject as an interest or on the contrary if it's painful and you're unable to get past it, there's something that needs to be taken care of. There could be a resource lying there that's yours. Or it may be a loyalty tie that needs to be brought out to consciousness and then sort out so that you can reclaim what's yours...

  2. What are your posture strengths? What are your values, your ethics? What are the ways things has to be done for you? Which models or ideas you relate to &/or you love? What do you care about? What is your own point of view on it?

  3. How is your self esteem right now? Enabling a strong sense of self confidence comes with securing your sense of self. How do you feel about it? What are your past accomplishments – achievements? Look at your experiences & actions to give you clues. What are your facilities (things you do with ease and comfort without thinking) in which you do things – your talents revealed. What are the things – broad sense ;–) that you've always been attracted to and you come back to again and again. Even if you didn't make anything out of it... Something that has a lifelong appeal? What are your dreams & unexpressed desires?

These questions above are only a base to begin the process of reclaiming your path to autonomy and it allows me to begin unravelling the 3000 pages documentation I have written thoughout the years.

I would love to exchange with you on this so don't hesitate to contact me via * Mastodon or * LinkedIn

I should be writing more regularly

I know I should but I'm working on putting together all the stuff I have on the very subject that this blog is all about. For now I'm using this platform to build my confidence in writing without too much thinking of how the blog looks like.

I first need to get my head around the content subject and see the structure. That is not one of my strength so a tool that helps with that is cool. I was using sublime text but it didn't work. maybe because it didn't have the summary straight in there.

Thanks to Mike Stone I am using Ghostwriter and this is helping me get some order in the chaos I have been unable to organise this last years. Truth, you don't see much of it right now. I hope to get it out soon. I have a 16223 words text that is blog – podcast material as well as services – product material.

Of course I know that it is by sharing and experimenting that I will get this project running... I'm going to set up a small group of people to test out one service and see how it goes... To be honest I'm scared that this whole thing will be useful to no one... but me.

Photo curtesy from Rowan Heuvel Unsplash Birds Flying The 1st day I felt I was truly independant... well... to say the truth I still don't know if I'm truly independent. I in some way or another felt and still feel co-dependent of someone (be it parents, teachers, friends, love relationships...) or the country I live in... but I never saw it in this light until this last couple of months. This path and the choices that I made as well as the posture I had... well I see its central core now.

Still I wanted to remind myself of moments of freedom I've had to put the pieces together...

As a young ping pong player, the only thing I was good at as a child and recognized for it, I felt freedom in playing the way I wanted it, feeling the speed of the ball, holding my ping-pong paddle and play however I wanted to...

As a 19 years old when I went for a 3 weeks holiday in Greece with people a bit older than me where we were walking through amazing path and trekked through a mountain a day. I felt free and it is there and then i decided that I would go abroad. I begun exchanging in english with this great greek guide...

As a 21 years old at last finishing my high school going to Club Med meeting people and experiencing love for the 1st time and deciding to go with a help of someone dear to my heart who gently pushed me to step up and encourage me to move abroad and stay even if it wasn't easy thanks to the emotional blackmail my parents were exercising on me.

When in Ireland I went from being au pair in Cork with a small time in Dublin and then decided to move to Galway (one of the most beautiful warm-hearted place I've seen) and discovering I was pretty passionate which didn't occur to me because I felt dead inside whenever I was at my parents place. I discovered that I could learn and feel great about studying – I did a course on interior design and got my diploma a year later – study, get better grades I never had at school, and enjoy the process... in english.

The 1st time I could buy my own food, it was Xmas time. I could choose to eat whatever I wanted, cook it and eat it. That is when i decided to try eating vegetarian and at the time and definitely for french people and my parents in particular, this was dumb and outrageous. I remember having a lecture (when they came to see my in ireland) on why I was stupid to do this...

I have had other moments of freedom I've experienced through this path of mine. Those are great because they reminds me of my ability to take action and how I felt in the process.

There will be more.

This is the 1st draft of my point of view on what drives me and what I want to do.

How a lack of autonomy can and will impact on:

  • behaviours
  • health and how you nourish yourself (food, playtime, art...)
  • energy level
  • relationships (how you interact with others)
  • mindset
  • finances
  • choices of
    • where you live
    • professional activities & career
    • with whom you live

I'd love to meet people who are connected to their essence, they are my source of inspiration. I love to discover and learn about how they live and express their own unique identity and why they do what they do when they're aligned with their source or out of touch with themselves... In some way, I feel that they have developed their own uniqueness and grow their full potential as autonomous beings – free from dependency – through finding who they are and they have managed in some way to break free from the control and dependency of someone else.